breathing in

the last time i raked i split my time between looking up at the blue sky and down at the brown leaves but today it was all white. the commonality between the two events is the thought of you and that apparently i do my best thinking while i’m raking.

as the snow fell and mixed with the leaves it made each pull of the rake more difficult with the weight of the flakes but not a difficult as the weight of missing you. my shoulders burned and my heart ached because when you get back i don’t know where we will stand and i’m both excited and scared to find out.

although a bachelor that for the most part lives alone except for the nights that the kids are over i try to keep a clean and neat house unlike some of my friends who married or not apparently think that they are still in a dorm room. that being said i will not always make my bed on days that are dominated by laziness or lateness and although that’s not often it now happens never.

often i wonder what you must be thinking because as verbal as i am in my continual effort to call it out you are equally reserved. i am happy however that when you do speak it is from the heart and of substance and that during our email and text exchanges you are more open and give me a glimpse of what is inside and that there may be hope yet and that’s fine because if electricity is the vehicle that you need to call it out on your own terms then ok.

last week after i dropped you off and i drove to new jersey and you drove to north carolina you later texted me that when you stopped for lunch and put on your jacket it smelled like me and then you typed ‘mmmmmmm!’ and I thought that was the greatest note ever.

while you have a jacket that smells like me i have a sheets that smell like you and the beauty of it is that nothing happened as they say except for a warmth and a connection that was beyond anything that i’ve felt in a long time and if investing the time needed to properly make the bed can trap in that smell i will make my bed every day for the rest of my life so that at night i can breathe you in while i fall asleep.